Uncalled For presents: Ready, Set, Götterdämmerung!

Uncalled For is pleased as delicious home-made punch to be presenting the world premiere of their all-new, full-length stream-of-consciousness comedy odyssey about the games we play and the gods we destroy.

Ready, Set, Götterdämmerung! is a game of red rover with the entire Norse pantheon. It’s operatic freeze-tag. It’s hide-and-seek with all of creation, where all of creation is hiding because it is about to be destroyed. It’s a never-before-seen, tightly woven, epically proportioned comedy myth from the makers of Hypnogogic Logic and Today Is All Your Birthdays.

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

Part of the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival

Saturday March 9th, 2013
10:00 PM
at the Lower Ossington Theatre
100A Ossington Ave,
Toronto, ON

Tickets: $15 plus HST

Buy tickets online here!

New Video: Ghost from the Future!

Tyler, like most children, spends a lot of time at the graveyard, where he is busy hanging out with his dead grandpa when he receives an unexpected visitor. Their meeting raises a vital question: What’s cooler — the future or the afterlife?

Newest Video!

Cliff, Jonesy, Susan and Mitch are on a tour of the lush greenery of the Maple Eagle Valley, home to some of the world’s most exotic wine blends. This isn’t Cliff’s first time at the rodeo, but the others are going to have to learn a few things from the Maple Eagle Valley winemaster himself.

FUTURE PARTY

A Sketch Comedy Double-Bill From Another Dimension

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happens when a New York bred comedy duo teams up with a multi-award-winning Montreal based sketch comedy troupe? Future Party! A sketch comedy double-bill from another dimension.

James & JF (NYC) offer up Channel One – TV in the future as performed by the last two people on earth. Let us explain: we escaped the end of civilization in a time machine, then created our own version of TV shows to entertain ourselves (just go with it) but wind up performing them to unexpected time traveling audiences. From the duo said to have “winning comedic timing” by The Happiest Medium (NYC).

Uncalled For (Montreal) brings Today Is All Your Birthdays – a comedic, philosophical, sci-fi take on birth, death, time travel, Darwin’s theory of evolution, hypnotism, sandwiches and the meaning of life. It is intelligent, theatrical, free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness hilarity that doesn’t bother with vulgarity or cynicism. From the company that PLANK Magazine called “one of the most innovative and reliable sketch troupes in the country.”

Two comedy experiences. One awesome party. In the future.

Future Party.
(Presented by The Tank.)

Two Nights Only! Tickets: $10 advanced/$12 at the door.
FRI March 23rd @ 7pm
SAT March 24th @ 7pm
www.brownpapertickets.com/event/234008

Check out James & JF: www.jamesandjf.com
Check out Uncalled For: www.weareuncalledfor.com

The Uncalled For St. Patrick’s Day Improv Show

Every year a sacred tradition is honoured. One in which Irish heritage is celebrated and the immigrant history of a downtrodden people is respected. It is a night of shots of Jameson and Baileys and improv comedy. It’s Uncalled For’s St. Patrick’s Day Improv Show. Remember how it went those other years? Me neither. Oh wait: IT WAS HILARIOUS.

THE UNCALLED FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY IMPROV SHOW

Saturday March 17th at 11:00 PM

MainLine Theatre – 3997 St-Laurent, just south of Duluth

Montreal, QC

Tickets $12 (includes a free shot)

Hypnogogic Logic in Toronto at the Next Stage Theatre Festival!

To kick off 2012, we’ve travelled through space (Quebec to Ontario) and time (about 5 and a half hours) to come to Toronto for the Next Stage Theatre Festival, where we’ll be presenting 9 (nine) performances of our dreamshow Hypnogogic Logic!

Uncalled For presents

HYPNOGOGIC LOGIC at the Next Stage Theatre Festival

Factory Theatre Mainstage (125 Bathurst, at Adelaide)

Toronto, ON

SHOWTIMES

Thu Jan 5th – 5:00 PM
Fri Jan 6th – 7:15 PM
Sat Jan 7th – 9:15 PM
Sun Jan 8th – 7:15 PM
Tue Jan 10th – 5:45 PM
Thu Jan 12th – 6:45 PM
Fri Jan 13th – 9:15 PM
Sat Jan 14th – 4:45 PM
Sun Jan 15th – 9:00 PM

Tickets are $12 for shows starting before 7:00 PM, $15 after
Call 416-966-1062

NEWS!

This just in!

If you take 1 kilos of tomatoes to the moon, they would stay 1 kilos of tomatoes. But they would weigh less, because it’s the moon, and the moon has no gravity.

If consumers traditionally buy produce by weight, we can only assume the moon is getting a better deal on those hot house gems. This could potentially lead to a food fight of Amazonian proportions.

Tomato farmers have not been terribly trouble by recent revelations, due to that fact they insist that “on the whole, we are not selling tomatoes on the moon”.

 

 

 

 

Denial is a river with only one paddle.

I’m 28. I am 28 years old. I was born October 3rd 1982, that’s an easy one to figure out your AgeMath.

AgeMath: The way in which one self may determine one’s own age in the current year.

Your birth year different to the next decade (born in October 1982, so 8 years until 1990, so add 8.) plus however many decades you want (1990 to 2010, so add 20 years) , plus whatever is left (the year is 2011, the left over is 1, but my birthday hasn’t happened yet, so don’t add anything) = my age in the current year!

Easy, see?

So, the other day, why did I tell a woman I was 27 years old? And when AirCanada asked how old the passenger (me) was, I typed 27?I’m in denial of my own reality.

Or maybe my parents have been lying to me, and I’ve always know something was wrong, but it was only triggered now, at this age of 27/28. I was probably born in 1983. They hid it from me to protect me, but then the lie got so big, well, they just couldn’t bring themselves to tell me the truth, it would have hurt too much after all this time.            I’m just like one of those people who were born a twin and were seperated at birth, but always new soemthing was missing, and then they find each other christmas eve. Or like sheepdogs and their real tails. That’s exactly what happened!

I’M A TWIN!!!!!!!! I can count it!

….wait, now my math is all messed up. Now I can’t just add 8 and some decades and then the rest! Oh man, I don’t know if this old dog can handle any new tricks. This is going to be a tough one.

Okay…

..7..plus the decades is 20, plus the rest, times 2 (cause I’m a twin, somewhere), divided by 2 (cause I’m still my own woman).

I’m 42 years old!

You guys, thanks for being with me just now. The fabric of my reality blankie was just torn. The good news is I think I’m aging very well.

love you. mean it.

 

 

Gourmet Tourism

 

Day 4

Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a big time foodie, which is of course why I’m keeping this ongoing culinary-travel blog, but I feel like I’m running up against some problems.

First of all I can’t figure out how anybody from this country eats their signature dish without making a huge mess. I mean, ripping out the antlers to get at the skull-marrow alone sends jets of blood everywhere. And the local practice of manipulating your food with yo-yos from your plate up to your face just seems designed to make tourists look silly. Especially when I tried my walk-the-dog manoeuvre to push the last couple bites to the edge of my plate: the string got tangled up in the drinking hose and nobody at the table could refill their wine for 20 minutes.

The worst is the beans of course, because they serve them much too hot and I don’t want to burn my tongue but you can’t give them any time to cool down, because if you wait more than a minute to eat them they explode, killing everybody. I should have just gone to McDonalds. Then again they’d probably put curry on my Big Mac. Ew. Just because I’m a foodie doesn’t mean I have to like things that are different or original.

Education. FREE!


Hi all,

It’s Matt. So I’m also an English teacher. And I’ve decided to educate you all. Namely, by posting the work I do with my 603-103-MQ, section 19 course at Vanier College. It’s a second year Literary Themes course. The theme is Trauma and Memory. Sounds funny already, I KNOW! So get your #2 pencils out. And someone tell me if I’m breaking the law.

Week 1:
Reading: Selection from: On the Uses and Disadvantages of History for Life by Friedrich Nietzsche.

Discuss: What is a memory? Why do we have memories? Where do they come from and where do they go?

Questions on the reading (can be done in groups of 4):
1) Why is Nietzsche jealous of animal life?
2) What does it mean to be unhistorical?
3) In what way is memory like “a chain” according to Nietzsche?
4) What is the “plastic power” of a people?
5) What role does Nietzsche see for memory, now that we have it?

Homework: go to http://www.radiolab.org/2007/jun/07/ and listen to the story “Clive” — does this story prove Nietzsche right or wrong in your opinion? Or is it completely irrelevant to his argument? There is no definitively correct answer — go with your instincts and make your case.

Bonus credit: Find a really good memory and then forget it immediately.

Daytime TV

So, is he the mother then?

This man will have to grow out part of his haircut. Find out which part!

 

If all the twists, all the surprises, all the shocking results and family drama aren’t enough for you on their own, here’s 3 more reasons you need to tune in to Which One’s The Daddy? this week on FOX, when secrets get revealed!

- Amber doesn’t know if her one year old daughter was fathered by her boyfriend Keith or her ex-boyfriend Mac. Our DNA tests have the answer! It was Keith.

- Drama runs high and suspense creeps up to new levels as Mayleen tries to prove that her little baby Gwen really does belong to her fiancee Charles. She does.

- AND – You’ll NEVER guess which one of these three brothers is the father of baby Darla: it’s the youngest one with the same nose as the kid.

Find out all the answers this week on Which One’s The Daddy?

Upcoming Show: Hypnogogic Logic

Uncalled For presents: Hypnogogic Logic

In the West Island as part of Pointe-Claire Days!

Friday, August 19th, 7:30 PM

Hosted by Bruce Malcolm, featuring stand-up from Neil Janna
Louise Chalmers Theatre, at John Rennie High School
501 St. John’s Blvd, Pointe-Claire
Tickets only $2!

Call 514-630-1202 for more info or visit the Facebook Event.

Please help me make a difference.

Supporters supporting supporters

Dear Friends,

I’ve contacted you because I’m currently seeking sponsors in my fundraising efforts to assist the Chain of Giving foundation. The Chain of Giving is a non-governmental, non-profit, non-partisan, community-based organization that assists Canada’s philanthropic communities. Thousands of Canadians struggle with philanthropy every year, unable to live a fulfilling life without it. The Chain of Giving provides a safe space for philanthropists to meet, share their stories, and donate their funds. In 2010 alone, The Chain of Giving was capable of receiving the nearly back-breaking sum of $46.8 million dollars, thus assisting countless philanthropists, donors, contributors and supporters (PDCS) in living out their identities.

Of course, as you can imagine, accepting that much money doesn’t come cheap. Federal and provincial grants are only able to cover 35% of the general operating costs for The Chain of Giving, which is why I’m involved in this fundraiser. I believe in supporting members of the PDCS community, and as such I will be participating in the month-long marathon Tip Top Tip Stop: for one full calendar month, I will refuse to leave a tip anywhere I go no matter what level of service I receive and do my best to bear the burden of guilt, shame and public embarrassment that will come with it. I’ve been training with taxi rides and pizza deliveries for a few weeks now, and while it’s always hard for me when the people serving me go above and beyond their duty, I think I’m ready to commit to not tipping them for it for a full month. If you want to see me make the people getting paid to serve me take home just a little less money at the end of the day while I contend with their glares, e-mail me at TipTopTipStopForTheChainOfGivingAndThePDCSCommunity@gmail.com to sign up to sponsor me for anywhere from $5 to $555 dollars for every tip I fail to give. The more tips I’m able to not leave, the more money gets raised to help increase the greatly needed acceptance of PDCS donations.

Oh, and if you’ve ever thought that PDCS people weren’t part of YOUR community, I dare you to sponsor me and go look in a mirror: you’ll be looking a brand new PDCS person in the face.

Please, give generously.

(re-posted on Facebook and Twitter and Google+ and as my e-mail auto-signature)

This guy came over to talk to you.

“How come you’re sitting all alone? …

You’ve got great bone structure”.

His exact words.

Your bone structure is flattered. You are reassured. Not that you have ever wondered abut your bone structure, but it was nice to hear that he liked your face map.

He is gone now, and ‘Who loves you’ by the Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons to start playing.

You go, Girl.

Exploring the natural world

After the immense success of the photo essay I posted two weeks ago about my trip to Stratford, I’m following up with a second. Here’s a week’s worth of what I found in nature. For this adventure, I started out in Algonquin Park with limited knowledge of Ontario, or survival. I emerged with so much more. I am a true survivalist now. I’ll actually be appearing on Man vs. Wild as soon as I actually sit through a whole episode.

Enjoy!

Photo essay the Second: Emergence into nature

Image 1: I came to this place with three things: a dream, a sense of wonder, and a sandwich. This cliff took all three. Where have you gone, sweet sandwich, my sandwich?

Image 2:  A beautiful view, and a true miracle of nature. How and why did this mineral outcropping spring up like this? And isn’t it amazing how the surface looks exactly like the number 5? Nature is wicked strange. I would think it manmade if I could conceive of how one could carve so perfectly into metal.

Image 3: Desperate for knowledge about the mysterious 5 sigil, I turn to booksmarts. Thank goodness there’s an Education Library in Algonquin Park

Image 4: My studies prove fruitful. I learn NOT to go to Bat Lake. Seriously. I mean… The catepillars are horrible giant monsters. And if they don’t get you? The gargantuan chipmunks certainly will. That tiny bear doesn’t stand a chance.

Image 5 : I’m not sure what this diagram really means. But I do know that Quartz Feldspar is probably the BEST NAME EVER for a character in our next show.

Image 6: My book contains nothing on the mysterious 5, so I give up, bored. I find something as I walk these empty forests Finally. A kindred spirit. I know what it is like to grow out of solid rock. And be a tree. A tree.

But then… Just as I’m feeling safe and confident, I am faced again with the unknown, the unknowable. I walk straight into it:

What… 5? Here too… Again?
And then it hits me.

5.
5.
5.

There has always been 5.
5 has always been here. In this place. Waiting.

I cannot tell you how I left that dark place. But I now know that 5 is real. And I can never sleep again. Nor truly ever feel safe.

Ever.

Again.

NEW VIDEO! “Cookie Jar”

Happy Tuesday everybody!

Boy, have we got something for you. Fresh from our brain-ovens and into your thought-mouths, it’s a hot batch of sweet comedy goodness.

A brand-new video that attemps to answer the age-old question: “Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?” ARE YOU READY FOR THE TRUTH?

 

Warning: video contains children.

Do not attempt to converse with animals.

Meow.

Meow.

Oh, hey cat.

Meow.

Yeah, hi.

Meow.

What is it?

Meow.

I’m just trying to get some sleep here. What’s up?

Meow.

Are you hungry? Your food bowl is full.

Meow.

I just changed your kitty litter.

Meow.

You wanna be let out? Here. (gets out of bed, opens door)

Meow.

No? Look, I really do need to sleep, okay, so just chill out maybe, ok?

Meow.

Really.

Meow.

Please.

Meow.

Ok what is it? Are you bored? Do you want me to put on a a show for you? (he does this)

Meow.

FINE. You don’t like your scratching post or something? You wanna use one of my tweed jackets instead? I’ll tear off a sleeve and slide it on the scratching post for ya. (he does this) GO TO TOWN WITH IT.

Meow.

Look, please, just let me sleep. You want the biggest fish in the sea? I’ll go catch it. I’ll catch it and I’ll bring it to you. (he does this)

Meow.

I can take hostages! I’m willing to do it! Is that what you want? (he does this)

Meow.

I’ll demand anything! An end to factory farming! The dismantling of the oil industry! I’ll videotape it all and threaten to kill one hostage every hour until my demands are met if that’s what you’re asking me to do! (he does this)

Meow.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Do you want me to unify North and South Korea? I’ll do it! I’ll die crossing the de-militarized zone if I have to! (he does)

(His body is returned in a metal casket. The cat rubs the side of her head against it, satisfied.)

Treasure hunters find Atlantis! Or secret military technology. Or a spaceship? Or a rock! Thrown by God!

This is for real:

Swedish sea treasure hunters have found something extraordinary: A 60-foot disc sunk in the bottom of the ocean, with what appears to be 985-foot-long impact tracks leading to it. The team leader never found anything like it: ”You see a lot of weird stuff in this job but during my 18 years as a professional I have never seen anything like this. The shape is completely round… a circle.” (via Gizmodo)

A 60-foot wide circular object, with impact tracks suggesting that it plunged into the water, travelled 285 feet down to the bottom, and still had enough force behind it to skid along the ocean floor for almost 1000 feet.

So, what is it? Your guess is as good as any other nutjob’s. Here’s my two cents: in further exploring this mystery, we should NOT seriously consider the possibilities or ramifications of this discovery at all. Whatever we do, we need to make sure that the crew who make first contact with this “disc” are NOT trained for the mission at all, or even willing to be a part of it. They should NOT be briefed on how to deal with strange technology, alien life forms, or even water. They should be a ragtag group of misfits and possibly SOME nerds. They should come from various backgrounds and professions, they should rub each other the wrong way, they should under no circumstances believe in the validity of the mission. One of them should have an ex-wife or estranged girlfriend that he is desperately trying to reconnect with, one of them should be of uncertain mental stability, and one of them should be Ed Harris. I don’t mean a character played by Ed Harris, I mean one of these explorers MUST BE ED HARRIS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s interesting to note that news of this discovery (and as far as I can tell, this is real news, maybe not news of the “impending financial collapse” order, but definitely higher up on the relevance ladder than “pseudo-celebrity gets dumped, gets fat”) is so far only showing up on left-of-centre sites with names like Nerd ApprovedAbove Top Secret and Escapist Magazine. And that’s not because it’s “not real”. It’s because generally, most media – most PEOPLE – just shut out what they can’t easily explain… Ed Harris knows what I’m talking about.

In easier-to-explain news: the Montreal Improv Weekend Anniversary continues in full force tonight! Smackdown at 8 PM, The Bitter End at 10 PM, and the FREE Midnight Movie Screening, at midnight, featuring UNRELEASED UNCALLED FOR VIDEOS! Get there and stay there.

Happy birthday Montreal Improv!

 

That crucible of hilarity, the Montreal Improv Theatre, is turning ONE YEARS OLD this week! Yaaay! They grow up so fast. Already, MIT has become THE go-to spot in Montreal for quality improv comedy, and for quality comedy classes of all levels. (Anders has even taught there! But seriously, it’s a legitimate teaching institution.) To celebrate their first birthday, the fine folks at MIT are offering you EIGHT amazing shows over FOUR nights!

Check out the Event on the Book: Montreal Improv One Year Anniversary Weekend!

There are shows from Wednesday to Saturday night. To cherry-pick a few events that I’m most excited about…

… VENEZUELA perform their charming gibberish at 8 PM on Thursday. These guys are just delightful!

… 10 PM that same night is BASED ON A TRUE STORY: the four directors of MIT improvise scenes inspired by the real-life stories of Alain Mercieca (Artistic Director of Theatre St Catherine) and Amy Blackmore (Artistic Director of the Montreal Fringe). True stories are hot right now.

… Friday night has got SMACKDOWN, starring a truckload of local improvisers including yours truly (I’m Dan) (from Uncalled For)… Smackdown will be followed at 10 PM by THE BITTER END, and if you’ve never seen these guys, you’ve never truly laughed… And Smackdown will be followed at midnight by the FREE movie night! Featuring videos from The Bitter End, Flipside Comedy and Uncalled For (that’s us!). Maybe you’ll get to see a FUTURE VIDEO from us. Maybe.

… and Saturday night closes the weekend with THE JAM at 10 PM, an amazing fusion of live music and the improvised comedy that it inspires. This Jam will feature music from The Bawdy Electric and laughs from Kirsten Rasmussen, Lea Rondot, this guy Dan Jeannotte, and Vancouver’s Hip.Bang!

That’s just a taste of what’s going down at MIT this week. Check out the site, read the schedule, and if you don’t go see at least one of these shows, we’re revoking your right to be happy.

Surprise! New video!

Hey, it’s Tuesday! The day we said we’d release a new video, every week.

Well, we’re proud to say that one week in, our success rate is %100!

Here’s a little something for your hungry eyes and your thirsty brains…

 

Reflections from the Road

Whenever I travel without my team of incredible superfriends, I often reflect on their likenesses in nature. And then I dream of the world we inhabit as creatures of the natural world. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this series of snapshots from the world of my dreamscape.

Photoessay
Title: Uncalled For, as ducks

8AM: Writing meeting. Dan waddling up to let us into his duck-condo. Nic regales Caitlin and Matt with humorous anecdotes about famous mallards. Mike looks into the distance. He is elsewhere, in a more sublime artistic place. Anders is late.

 

 

1 PM: Anders can’t find his cell phone to tell us how sorry he is to be late. He stayed at his sister’s place last night. She’s still sleeping. He is both elegant, and angry at tourists who keep giving him popcorn.

 

Sunset: Mike heads out East on tour. Matt cannot bear the strain of his absence, and tries to drown himself. He will soon realize ducks cannot actually do this; they’re just too buoyant.

So what I’m trying to say is that in the world of Uncalled For as fowl, literally nothing would change. We would all be so poignant. So misunderstood. Artists.

ABC’s

 

By inserting strategically placed silent letters and significant “non-pronounced” zones, scholars at Columbia University are attempting to enlarge the word Alphabet to include all the letters of the alphabet.

Proposed alterations so far include: Alphabetcdfgijklmnoqrsuvwxyz.

Multiple Choice

What do you press to dial?

Be afraid of your cell phone company. They know how to use these.

So I got a text message from Rogers a little while ago asking me if I wanted more info on how I could save money on my long-distance phone calls and other usage rates. It asked me to reply either A for “Yes, tell me more” or B for “No thank you.” I said yes. The next text I got, though, was not simple instructions on what plan to switch to, but rather the start of a complex multiple-choice text quiz about the way I use my cell phone, who I call and for how long.

That’s when I got nervous.

Because Rogers KNOWS how I use my cell phone. They know everything I do with it. It says so on my bills.

So what happens if I get this test wrong? What happens if I FAIL? Will they go after the people that are part of my My 5 plan next? It was then that I decided to cheat: whatever answers I gave, I would immediately start using my phone that way so that they would necessarily become the right answers. Of course that meant that I wasn’t able to give answers where the number of minutes used per month were too low, because what if I’d already exceeded that number this month? So I just gave the top answer for everything. Now I talk all the time to people overseas that I don’t really care about and pay several hundred dollars a month, but the savings on those long distance rates are incredible.

Homemade Dreams

Sarah Palin has not announced she is running for President.

Which means her camp has not made any signs.

Which means this sign has to be homemade.

Terrifying, no?

Courtesy of Montana, USA

De-Sexualization of Tennis

In an attempt to de-sexualize the historical game of Tennis, the conservative government has implemented the following word changes to the game:

The term “love”, which is used to indicate a player has zero points, will be replaced by a more modest “platonic friendship”.  Example: “15-love” will now be “15-platonic friendship”.

Likewise, the term “advantage” will be replaced by the elongated term “player with more points is slightly closer to winning the non-sexual tennis game”. However, “deuce”, used to indicate an even score, will remain the same.

Finally the term “match” will be replaced by “it’s over, get out, I never want to see you again!”

WE ARE LIVE!

WeAreUncalledFor.com is now alive and kicking and wondering who its mother is. Mazel tov!

Our launch party last night at MainLine Theatre was a great sweaty success. We were blessed with a capacity crowd, and that crowd was treated to the inspired performances of some of the funniest people around: The Pajama Men, The Bitter End, and Kirsten Rasmussen. (To be able to call those people friends of ours is as nice as being able to say that we used to spar with Macho Man Randy Savage. And we mean that in the best way possible.) We screened three videos from the site, and two FUTURE SHORTS that’ll be coming out in the next little while. It was love and sweet sweet laughter all around.

Thanks to everyone who came out! Thanks to our guest performers, thanks to MainLine and their volunteers, and thanks to the hardcore BAKE SALE TEAM who came up with delights like tiny pecan pies, choco-caramel-peanut-butter brownies and cheescake popsicles. Too sweet!

WeAreUncalledFor.com is now live, but just like an infant, it is growing and changing every day, absorbing the world around it and learning, adapting, EVOLVING. Check back in, soon and often. You don’t want to misplace the baby — or miss watching the baby grow up. Who KNOWS what’s going to happen.

Medicine’ll Getcha

  

Patient:  Doctor, may I see you for a moment please?

Doctor: Of course, patient.

Patient:  Doctor, I have been waiting in your sitting room for 6 months now for my results – what is taking so long?

Doctor: Oh patient, I did not know that you wanted your results right away! You should have said so! Why patient, you fool, you should be more responsible.

Patient: Yes doctor. (Pause.) Doctor, how many patients do you have, exactly?

Doctor: How much patience do I have? Oh it depends on the …

Patient:  Patients!

Doctor:  Patience my boy!

Patient: Doctor, I must know – how important is my life to you?

Doctor:  Oh patient, I’m not permitted to answer that. I love you all the same, but different.

Patient:  But I am dying.

Doctor:  I’m sorry.

Patient:  Thank you.

Doctor:  No, I didn’t hear you. I was thinking of another patient.

Patient:  Oh doctor, how are you to save me if you are not even aware if I am dying?

Doctor:  I am certain you are dying.

Patient:  What?

Doctor:  Yes, I am certain you are dying.

Patient:  How do you know? But there must be something I can do? I will hold my breath! (Holds breath.)

Doctor: Don’t hold your breath.

Patient: (Exhales.) This is awful news.

Doctor: This is common news. All of my patients have died.

Patient:  Why didn’t you tell me so, Doctor?

Doctor:  I couldn’t take all that bad news.

Patient: Well, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news as well…

Doctor: Patient?

Patient: Patience, Doctor.

Doctor: What is it? I must know.

Patient:  I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Doctor: Oh come on then, just tell me.

Patient: I have your test results back.

Doctor: I’m dying here!

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: What?

Patient: You are dying.

Doctor: IMPOSSIBLE!

Patient:  Patients are never wrong.

Doctor:  Per chance you are wrong.

Patient: No, we are both dying then. It’s settled.

Doctor:  Can we both agree to die?

Both: YES. (They shake hands.)

Doctor: Do you know when I will die?

Patient:  Later.

Doctor: Yes! You as well!

Patient:  I am quite comforted knowing I will die.

Doctor: I would rather die than live on forever and transform to sand.

Patient:  Oh, I like that we are small parts of one big infinite.

Doctor:  Me too.

Patient:  Shall we drink and smoke?

Doctor:  Why not?

Patient:   Cheers!

My Stratford Experience in Three Quotes

Hey! I’m in Stratford, Ontario! Watching legitimate art.

See?

 

I love being here… But I always feel out of place. Here’s three quotes that indicate why:

1) Financial. Retiree wife talking to retiree husband. They’re looking at a couple of $700+ photographic prints: “Don’t you think these would look great in our Key West house? Or maybe at home? Maybe we should get a few for both…”

2) Social. Mother, talking to another mother while their kids play with the ducks: “Well. She looks GREAT now. So… Did she she have a lot of plastic surgery, then?”

3) Technical. Two grandmas sitting beside me in the Studio Theatre, moments before The Little Years starts: “I just LOVE this space. I mean… Look at the grid. The fresnels… The…” A series of technical theatre words I’ve never heard before. I’ll ask Jacky later.

So everyone is richer than me, and knows more about theatre than me. Curse ye Stratford!

Loved the show, though. John Mighton is my playwright hero.

Seeing is believing. And faith is inherently flawed

Taking a trip down memory lane while you are driving could land you in a roadside ditch, new research indicates. Vanderbilt University psychologists have found that our visual perception can be contaminated by memories of what we have recently seen, impairing our ability to properly understand and act on what we are currently seeing. (via ScienceDaily)

So: what you are remembering can influence your perception of what you are seeing in the moment.

This explains a lot.

Like all those times you have an argument with your lover, and then you immediately get into your car and go for a drive, but you can’t get that fight out of your head, and as you pull up to an intersection, instead of stopping, you just shout “IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!” at the stop sign, and then drive into a bus.

Or, for example, when I keep watching NBC after 30 Rock is over, I find Law & Order: Special Victims Unit just hilarious.

Best of Fringe Uptown

Uncalled For Hypnogogic Logic Best of Fringe Uptown Toronto Centre for the Arts

Much love to all our (new and old) Toronto friends who (accidentally or with full intention) came out in force for the opening night of the Best Of Fringe!

It was a great show, with tons of people in the house, laughing and scratching their heads and chucking newspapers like nobody’s business. A wonderful way to end our Toronto run.

Till next time, Toronto… maybe… November? Hold your breath!

We are Controlled Insanity!

How nice is this?!

The Torontoist saw fit to include Hypnogogic Logic in their festival round-up, “Ten Things We Loved At Fringe 2011″.

In the Ten Things We Love About This Review, number 1 is probably this line: The men of Montreal’s Uncalled For are able to unleash their sketch prowess, uninhibited by bothersome limitations like “time,” “space,” and “science.”

It’s absolutely true: over the last few years, we’ve really been trying to push our Art forward by releasing ourselves from the slavish bourgeois adherence to physical laws. Thanks for understanding, Torontoist!

Masters of the Universes

So if there’s one question we get a lot here at Uncalled For, it’s probably this one: “Where do you get your ideas?”

I really like this question, because it implies our ideas are really good. But we get it a lot, so writing about it bores me.

If there’s one question we DON’T get a lot here at Uncalled For, it’s probably this one: “What would you do if you were given ultimate cosmic power?”

Now that’s worth spending some time on. I’ve thought about this a LOT. And I think you should too. Here are some of MY predictions for what each of us would do if we were given the Infinity Gauntlet, or the Spear of Destiny, or just a really good magic lamp, and thus became the prime force in reality.

Dan: Life would just be, like, this huge neverending feast. An infinite orgy of indulgence. And like, if you were vegan, that would be cool. We have gourmet options for every appetite. Gluten-intolerant? No worries – gluten’s not even REAL anymore. A meat-eater? Chocoholic? On an alcohol-only diet? It’s all good, because all of existence would just be there for you to gorge yourself on, without any guilt or unhealthiness or loss of life. And then we would dance eternity away in rhythmic joy.

Anders: A highly efficient and non-judgmental world. Everything would be angular, fast-moving, and brilliant. We would all be stunningly beautiful and tall, and talk about film most of the time. It would basically be Sweden the world over.

Mike: Cartoon physics would be reality. You could, and would, regularly hit your loved ones over the head with mallets. They would then shake it off, put their eyeballs back in place, and go laughing on their way. You could do anything you wanted, as long as it was funny.

Nic: Everyone would be super focused on achieving their personal goals, and everyone COULD and WOULD achieve their personal goals, and no one’s personal goals would infringe on anyone else’s personal goals. Like a utopian Venn diagram of dreams, where the sweet spot in the middle where all the circles overlap is the universally shared goal of everyone just being cool with everyone. It goes without saying that in this world, in order to achieve this harmony, all jerks and bastards and mean people would be rounded up and executed.

Caitlin: Universal nudism. We would be sky-clad, and it would be so good. Year round, any climate. Just super naked. That’s it.

Matt: Bad news: I get bored easily. So, my world would start really well, but as the laws that structure reality get picked apart one by one, I’m pretty sure this place would rapidly turn into a giant ball of flame, with awesome robots fighting all the time. And then I’d turn us all into colours, or something really abstract. Then musical notes, and then we’d all just… fade away.

I hope this answers the question I wanted you to ask.

People watching

(The scene opens in a park. The camera dollies in towards a bench.)

(A guy and a girl sit on the bench. They are people watching.)

GUY: I like people watching.

GIRL: I love people watching.

GUY: I love people watching.

GIRL: People watching.

GUY: Just… watching people.

GIRL: People watching people.

GUY: That’s us! People watching people.

GIRL: Ooh, look at those people!

(They stare at two non-descript men having a conversation.)

GUY: What do you think they’re talking about?

GIRL: Ooh… Politics.

GUY: Rent.

GIRL: Sex!

GUY: I wonder…

(Cut to the men in mid-conversation.)

MAN: Ever since the Conservatives came into power, property taxes have gone way up, and I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed about paying my landlord, I just can’t get it up.

OTHER MAN: Oh, totally.

(Back to the guy and girl, now looking at an older gentleman and lady.)

GUY: Ooh, look at those people.

GIRL: Oh yeah!

GUY: Oh yeah.

GIRL: Do you think they’re in love?

GUY: Ooh… I think they used to be in love.

GIRL: I think they used to be in love, but then they fell out of love, but now they’re falling in love again.

GUY: Oh wow.

(Cut to the gentleman and lady.)

GENTLEMAN: Should we take the subway or wait for the streetcar, powderpuff?

LADY: You haven’t called me powderpuff in years!

GENTLEMAN: Your hair smells like moonlight.

(Cut back to the guy and girl.)

GUY: Hey, look at those three!

GIRL: Three people!

GUY: How do you think they know each other?

GIRL: They could be brothers.

GUY: They could be secret government agents!

GIRL: They could be ballroom dancers…

(Cut to the three men.)

ONE: Time is eighteen hundred hours.

TWO: Operation Slow Waltz is a go.

THREE: Let’s make Mom and Pop proud.

(Back to the bench.)

GUY: People.

GIRL: People, wow.

GUY: People. You just never know.

Sax of life

People always ask each other, “What kind of music do you like?”, and the answers are NEVER INTERESTING. Because people don’t commit to their responses. They say, “Oh, I like all kinds of music,” or, “Old stuff mostly, but also a lot of new stuff.”

Not me. I know what I like: sax solos.

Just sax solos.

I fast-forward through songs to get to the sax solos. Saxophones BLOW MY MIND. I mean, what ARE those things?

 

Opening night!

Tonight we opened our show Hypnogogic Logic at the Toronto Fringe, in the great and huge Bathurst St. Theatre (of Randolph Academy)…

None of us knew what to expect, which was great, because what we got was A SOLD OUT HOUSE!

That’s 200-odd Torontonians dreaming together. And it must have been an enjoyable dream, because the second the lights went out, everybody jumped to their feet. Like, an honest-to-deity, full-house standing ovation!

Gee… thanks guys! We love you too. We wish there were 200 of us, so we could all show up at your house, and just hang out and laugh and learn from each other for an hour.

Here’s hoping the rest of our run is just as amazing!

Awkward (a word that looks the way it means)

Hello Toronto! Zing! Zoom! Land of the future! Well. So it seems to someone from Montreal, home to the past. Kidding! I love both cities, and all their respective time zones.

As some of you might know, I run a little storytelling sideline here in Montreal called Confabulation. It’s heavily cribbed off NYC’s The Moth, which is itself inspired by some kind of millennia-old tradition of sharing true life stories, with no notes, props or gimmicks. This sort of thing appeals to me, so I started up a show too… And now it’s one year old.

So while I was in Toronto, I was excited to perform at Erin Rodgers’ Awkward storytelling event at Comedy Bar. (Clarification: the theme is awkwardness, the event isn’t itself awkward. Though all the stories are about awkwardness… so I guess it’s both?)

As an awkward myself, this fit really well. I told the (awkward) tale of my 18th birthday, where despite being mysteriously and awkwardly ill, I got awkwardly trashed and was awkwardly led into a strip club. There I got awkwardly pulled on stage and awkwardly stripped down in front of everyone, who awkwardly stared, I guess. Then I got home and found my parents still waiting up for me – awkward! But not as awkward as winding up in the hospital two weeks later, and being diagnosed with type one diabetes.

Anyway, this evening of storytelling was super cool. If awkward. I even met some charming comedy performers from NYC, who were awkward, but in a super cool way. Everyone seemed to like my story. I have to say, I thought getting up there and baring my soul would heal the wounds still lingering from this ancient memory. But when I woke up the next morning…? Still a type 1 diabetic.

Now that’s awkward.

The future begins… NOW!

This is the FIRST BLOG POST on our BRAND NEW WEBSITE! The first first first!

Or, if you’re reading them, starting at the top of the page, then I guess this one would be the last last last.

I feel obligated to say something momentous here, something of great import, something that can be passed down to future generations. This is the beginning of something we can barely fathom, the beginning of a new phase in Uncalled For’s existence, and thus, we can extrapolate, a new phase in GLOBAL SOCIETY ITSELF.

And on this historical day, what does this one man have to say for himself? What does he have to say for ALL OF US?

Umm …………………

…………………….. I’m hungry.

… Aren’t you?